"No, really?" you exclaim, with false shock. "A rant? From you? How can this be?!"
Yes, I know, it's unheard of. But today I've been pushed too far, and I'm not going to take it any more. It's been brought to my attention through a variety of sources that the pundits of the world are once more whining about one of the key advances of our time.
I speak not of the automatic bread maker, but instead about Genetic Engineering(tm, pat pend).
"oh, no!" whine the pundits of the world. "The Human Genome Project will usher in a future just like that movie, whatchacallit, Gattaca! Wah! The rich, industrial countries of the west will begin making children to order, and having advantages and..."
Shut up! Shut up, you whiny little bastards! If we listened you your sycophantic babble, we'd never get anything done! If I hear one more self-proclaimed technology pundit talking out of his (or her) gluteal region about how genetic engineering will end life as we know it, I'm going to have to haul out that big can of whup-ass I've been saving in my closet for special occasions.
There are many whines... I mean arguements... that get raised about genetic engineering. I will now pound on them.
Arguement One - "Genetic Engineering is against the Natural Order/Will Of God; Don't you see?! We're tampering with our own genes! It's eugenics!"
Well, let me spell it out briefly for you -- WE ALREADY ARE. It's now possible for people with a variety of conditions which would be quickly fatal in most ancient times to live quite happily, as well as breed, passing on their genes to the next generations. This is really a terrifically bad idea, if you think about it. I mean, it's like taping up a big "Darwin, please come kick me right in the butt" sign on your back. It's like reverse natural selection, gleefully plowing unpleasantness right back into the gene pool. However, it keeps people alive and functioning and relatively happy, so who cares? If we can engineer our gene pool NEGATIVELY, what's so wrong about going in and rooting about to make some POSITIVE changes? If you believe the potential for fixing serious genetic problems in children before they're born, or even just fiddling for the hell of it, is bad, then you must therefore also believe that the existing system of keeping people alive despite the fact that they might not be evolutionarily fit is also bad. Please go stand under the large sign saying "People For The Extermination Of All Doctors".
Not so many of you now, hunh. Those of you under the sign - you may be idiots, but at least you're consistent. Please walk down the hallway towards the rotating blades. The rest of you who like Arguement One - shut uppa yo' face, you hypocritical whiny snots! No matter what problems genetic engineering might introduce to the gene pool, they can't possibly be worse than the problems we've already created. I mean, Pee Wee Herman, for crying out loud. 'nuff said.
Arguement Two - "The Human Genome Project is horrible! It'll give us the power to..."
Actually, it just tells us where things are. It's just a map. So shut up, you little whiners.
Arguement Three - "Gattaca! Gattaca! Gattaca! Waaaaargggghhh!!"
Oh, shut up. Like we haven't all seen that movie already, or at least heard it talked about so much we don't even need to. If corporations started clamping down on applications and only allowing in those who were genetically chock-full of whup-ass, don't you think the rest of us would NOTICE? And if we're in a future where corporations can cheerfully adopt the hiring policies they want without fear of backlash, then buddy, you've got bigger problems to worry about.
Arguement Four - "The Rich, Industrialized Countries Of The West Will Have A Horrible Advantage Over Everyone Else, With Their Genetically Tweaked Babies! Only The Rich Can Afford Them!"
Oh, for crying out loud. Of course only the rich will be able to afford neat stuff like this at first. That's the way new technology works. How many of you own a DTV set? Not too damn many. Why? Because it costs a bazillion dollars. Techniques will filter down once they become so common as to be affordable. Or they won't, because the rich rule the world. But in that case, again, buddy, you got bigger problems to worry about.
In closing, several things come to mind. First, genetic engineering is a good thing. The potential to eliminate genetic disorders during the early stages of child development, far off though it might be, is unquestionably a good thing. The fact that it might not be affordable to everyone is just tough. Nothing's affordable to everyone at first. Heck, the potential to tweak a few genes and give everyone 20/20 vision would be damn cool. Would I have liked to be born not having to wear contacts? You're damn right I would. Wouldn't anyone jump at the chance to ensure that their children would be free of basic problems and inconveniences (because, frankly, life provides enough as it is)? Darn tootin'. So stop whining and deal with it.
If it's one thing I can't stand, it's whining.
Next episode: Muffin Man 2000.
Rant 'o the day contains no additives, preservatives or alien spores of any kind. Use only as directed. Do not expose to direct sunlight. Do not fold, spindle, multilate or remove identifying tags. Handle with care. Contains less than 3% milk fat by weight, not by volume. Certified 'Syndicate Approved'. Squeeze the lemon. Remember, kids, only users lose drugs.
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