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Things To Do If I Ever Become Supreme Dictator For Life

I wonder.

• Tort Reform: Since killing all the lawyers would be somewhat difficult (besides, I might need them to fulfill my evil plans later) a simple expedient would be to establish a few guiding principles, like the Principle Of It's Your Own Damn Fault, You Idiot. Plus stringent rules on what's a frivolous lawsuit, plus the wonderful thought that anyone caught bringing one has to pay the other side's legal fees, plus one tenth of the award they were asking for, and they would be barred from the civil court system until this were paid. After the first person who tried to sue for ten mil for spilling coffee in their lap ended up owing their entire salary for the rest of their life to McDonald's, we might see a few beneficial changes, like, people not bringing so many goddamn lawsuits.
• Invade Canada: I mean, hell, why not? Damn Canadians.
• Education Reform: Establish some kind of fucking standards for education that actually mean something, and cheerfully withdraw all federal funding for absolutely everything from any state idiotic enough to, say, ban evolution. Sure, they'd then become a blighted wasteland, but hey, who would want to live in a place where people are that stupid anyway? We could also fund tons for school improvements by letting all those pot smokers out of jail. At, what, at least 10-20 grand a year saved per smoker, that adds up to a handy little parcel of cash. Also, state lotteries? Well, the selling point on those is that the cash gets spent on education. Which is all well and good, except that what they REALLY mean, except for Georgia, is that they'll spend the lottery money on education, and spend the money they used to be spending on education on something else. Fuck that. Forec 'em to match the lottery money with 75% of their normal budget. That'll decrease lotto's popularity and spread, all right.
• Establish a cheerful little mile-thick no-man's-land on the Mexican border. Use it for an artillery range. What, you mean people were trying to CROSS it? Damn shame, that. Damn shame. Maybe next time they'll think of a method called the 'passport'.
• Legalize all drugs. And then, just for fun, establish government regulation of production. Get the pig farmers who're a blight upon the land to convert their fields to something productive, like hemp! Who needs pork, anyway? They'll make more money, the environment will be improved, and everyone'll be happy! Then we can export illicit drugs all over the world, and use it as a diplomatic tool. Third world country causing trouble? Give them the gift of cocaine, the gift that keeps on giving. Not to mention, we can, perhaps, export our gangsters overseas, while all the profits flood home to enrich America, where they can be legally taxed. Mmm... taxes.
• Ban Joel Schumaker or whoever his name is from making any more of those accursed Batman movie. Just say 'no' to Bat-Butts.
• Take all current employees of the Patent Office out back and there, in the dark, quietly put them to sleep in a gentle, humane way. Then replace them with people who have actual functioning brains. Better yet, do away with patents entirely in several areas like 'software'. Because if I hear of ONE MORE IDIOT patenting something like 'methods of closing a window by clicking in an upper corner', I may hurl.
• Establish a national 'Respect Your Evil Overlord Day'. See that people do, in fact, respect their evil overlord on that day.
• Establish a basic, common-sense regulation program for nude beaches, namely, 'You must be at least this beautiful to enter'. Because, dang, some people just aren't meant to be seen without their clothes on. Yeeeeegh.
• Revoke all national speed limits. It probably won't have much effect on deaths from driving, but at least people will stop complaining all the time.
• Make examples of people who drive drunk. Taking their cars away is not enough. I'm thinking public whipping, personally, but I'd settle for stoning or the stocks.
• No more of this wussy electric-chair stuff for executions. If you're going to kill people, you shouldn't do it in a way that spares you the uncomfortability of having, well, killed them. If you're not comfortable doing it than maybe you won't keep the idea around. To this end, hold contests amongst grade school kids on interesting new ways to kill condemned prisoners. Award prizes for the most creative. Because, let's face it, nobody's as creatively vicious as your average grade school kid. Normal death penalties won't deter criminals from doing their evil deeds, but the thought of being at the mercy of a sadistic ten year old will strike bowel-numbing terror into the hardest of hearts. Just look what happened in 'Home Alone'. Tape the results and send it in to America's Most Vicious... er, I mean, Funniest Home Videos. Use the inevitable prize money to help pay off the national debt.
• In the classic 'Repo Man' style, take a look at countries that we've loaned money to but who aren't paying up. Consider their various assets. Repossess them. I think the Russians owe us a lot of money, and hey, who wouldn't want a large chunk of Asia? Just think of the ski resorts we can build when we own the entirety of Siberia. If they don't like it, well, that's why we send the Repo Men.
• Establish a special diplomatic agency whose specific orders are to slap silly any French diplomat who gets snooty. Tape results, send to Home Videos, prize money to national debt, you know the drill.
• And, last but not least, send some garbagemen up in the next shuttle flight to clean up some of that crap we keep abandoning in orbit. Because a clean planet is a happy planet.

So remember, vote me in for Supreme Dictator For Life. And when the Legions of Terror parade past your home, cheer, damn your eyes. Cheer, peons, cheer! Ahahahahahahahaaaaa!!!

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