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The Pokemovie

But I was unprepared for the soul-rending evil that was... the Pokemovie. Oh, sure, it started out cutely enough, with Pikachu and other Pokemon going on vacation from beating each other up. Then I realized that something was wrong with the pop music in the background. I could understand the words! It was in English... and it was bad. The horror was unspeakable, but it would get much worse.

Little snippets of Pikachu and Friends adventures in Pokeland or whatever were interspersed with 'intro segments'. As if it wasn't bad enough to have a 'short feature' (yes, we haven't gotten to the actual movie yet) that had as its aim the blatant goal of showing off every single damn Pokemon in existance, but they had SPECIFIC intro segments for several of them.

Picture it. The theatre goes still and silent in anticipation. On the screen, psychadelic colors swirl. Then the whisper starts, softly at first, then growing. "Bellsprout," it says, in a soft voice of impending doom. "Bellsprout." Nothing appears on screen, yet it continues talking! "Bellsprout," comes the terrifying murmur, growing in volume. "Bellsprout! BELLSPROUT!" At last, the fiend emerges from the screen, in split-mirror fashion... and IT'S A TRIFFID!! NOOOOOOO!!!!! Now I see... Now... I... know...

Now, at the end, I truly understand. This is the producers cramming many new Pokemon down your throat.

As if this terror wasn't bad enough, as if all these cute cartoon animals beating on each other wasn't bad enough, there are two additional measures of pain that must be doled out.

First, each Pokemon only speaks by saying it's name. Thus, Pikachu can say "Pi", "Pika", "Chu" or any combination thereof. But most of them just say their whole name. "Bulbasaur!" one will exclaim, seemingly at random. The producers must realize that most li'l kids who play Pokemon have the attention span of rabid weasels, and so it's necessary to keep pounding important names into their heads.

Secondly, there's Togepi. Now, you may think that it's plenty cute enough to have all these little cartoon animals running around, but nooo. They have to add a baby Pokemon, too. Aiiiieeee! Kill it! Make an omelette out of it already! The horror... the horror!!!

Now, at last, we got to the actual movie, after a mere 20 minutes of wall to wall Pokemon advertising.

The main movie almost managed to be deep and meaningful. Incredibly smart, yet short-sighted scientists genetically engineer a super-Pokemon from the remnants of a legendary Pokemon called Mew. This creature is, imaginitively, called Mewtwo. The movie is about Mewtwo's quest to find meaning given that he is, essentially, entirely the creation of man. This makes him pretty damn cranky.

Oh, yeah, and there are some other characters in it too. But who cares about them?

So, we get a really cranky super-Pokemon and a lot of 'Pokemon trainers' with their own private armies of the beasties. Mewtwo, being highly intelligent (he's one of two Pokemon in the movie that can actually speak normally, along with Meowth, the snippy hench-Pokemon of the villains), is a 'Pokemon trainer' himself, having cooked up his own small army of genetically improved critters. Naturally, this irritates the humans who end up being lured to his secret base to challenge him, as Pokemon are supposed to be inferior to humans (well, that seems to be the prevailing attitude; granted, even the villains treat their Pokemon as friends or, at worst, pets, but there's still that attitude of human superiority. It's amusing that the movie isn't afraid to turn that contention around by introducing a Pokemon who uses a human as a henchie, as Mewtwo does for a spell).

Of course, it all devolves into a giant pitched battle between two armies of Pokemon while the humans play Johnny Bench and Mewtwo battles the true Mew. Oh, and there's the meaty thwacking sound of the audience being savagely bludgeoned by a moral message. That moral message, acquired by the characters during this battle, is that fighting is wrong, and...

... AHAHAHAHA!!! Sorry, I just can't quite wrap my mind around the thought of Pokemon a game/show about sending your pets into savage combat, having an anti-fighting message. Now, admittedly, normal Pokemon battles are fought until someone yeilds, as opposed to to the death, as Mewtwo intends, but still. And, really, they don't need to spend two full minutes thwacking you about the head with this.

And, of course, as giving up fighting would, well, sort of cause the show to end, everyone's brainwiped by Mewtwo at the end, as he ALTERS TIME (!) to send them back to where they were beforehand.

Er... um. Yes. Okay... moving right along.

Comparing the PROs and CONs of this movie:

PRO: Pikachu getting slapped around. There's nearly a full minute of Pikachu-slapping in this movie.

CON: Everything else Pikachu does.

PRO: Team Rocket, everyone's favorite cross-dressing villains, disguised as vikings.

CON: Team Rocket wandering around the villain's base for practically the entire movie, discovering all the backstory for what's going on, and then failing to do ANYTHING with this information. Duh! How stupid ARE these guys?

PRO: Meowth, the snippy hench-Pokemon, whining and griping the whole time.

CON: Meowth trying to make puns on 'cat'. See he's a cat Pokemon, and, um, so it's funny when he uses words with 'cat' in them. In fact, he's going to emphasize that part of the word so you know to laugh. Laugh with me, Jocko. Laugh with me!

PRO: Mewtwo outsmarting, out-thinking, out-teching, and generally beating the humans at their own game, not to mention all that he's got a point about Pokemon, which are fairly intelligent critters, being humans' servants.

CON: Mewtwo evidencing Truly Ludicrously Overwhelming Power. "Power level one million? Impossible!"

And now, the Special Bonus Analysis. Since they didn't get to do the Team Rocket Speech in the movie (in fact, upon running into them, Ash immediately insists "I don't have time for the speech!" just in case they were thinking of it), we'll put it here instead. Musashi=Jessie, Kojiro=James, Nyas=Meowth. Ain't translation wonderful?

Team Rocket's original speech

Musashi: Nanda kanda to kikare tara
	(If you want to know what's going on)
Kojiro: Kotaete ageru ga yo no nasake
	(We present this answer at the world's mercy! *)
Musashi: Sekai no hakai o fusegu tame
	(To protect the world from destruction!)
Kojiro: Sekai no heiwa o mamoru tame
	(To defend the peace of the world!)
Musashi: Ai to shinjitsu no aku o turanuku
	(Shooting down the evils of truth and love!)
Kojiro: Raburii chaamii na kataki yaku
	(In the lovely charming villain's role!)
Musashi: Musashi!
Kojiro: Kojiro!
Musashi: Ginga o kakeru Rocket dan no futari niwa
	(As the Team Rocket duo, shooting up to the Mily Way!)
Kojiro: Waito hooru, shiroi ashita ga matteruze
	(A white hole, a white tomorrow is awaiting us!)
Nyase: Nya-nte na!
	(What they said!)

* This line doesn't really seem to make sense in English, and most 
people have given up trying to translate it. Except of course 4Kids, who
gave up before they even started. (Beeeeeeh.) Rachel says it translates 
exactly as "Answering, we give you the world's pity."

And now, Analysis Section Two, where we see how well this worked out in the Pokemon Drinking Game. Because, damn, *I* could sure use a drink after that movie. Satoshi=Ash, Kasumi=Misty, Takeshi=Brock.

CHARACTERS

1 drink when:
a) Someone who claims to be a trainer displays manifest ignorance about the
most elementary matters of training (mentioning no Satoshi's).
b) A character mentions their past or background.
c) Takeshi gawps at a girl three times his age.

2 drinks when:
a) Kasumi acts in a useful and dignified manner.
b) Pikachu falls off something big while saving Togepi.

a) 1 drink when Kojiro and Musashi hug each other.
b) 2 drinks if they sleep together in any circumstances.
c) 3 drinks if they sleep with Nyas.
d) 1 drink if they shout "Ya na kanjii!"
e) 3 drinks if they shout "Ii kanjii!"
f) 1 drink if their speech is amusingly interrupted.
g) 2 drinks if it affects the action of the episode (like the fireworks setting
off a swarm of Spears/Beedrills.
h) 3 drinks if someone does a variant on the speech.
i) 1 drink if they team up with the good guys.
j) 1 drink if they cross-dress.
k) 2 drinks if Nyas joins in.
l) 3 drinks if they cross dress gratuitously (i.e. as a boy and girl).
m) 4 drinks if they cross dress so well you actually fancy them.
n) 5 drinks if they cross dress so well you're left with deep psychological 
scars.

a) 1 drink: light dodginess that could be explained in the context of anime,
i.e. team rocket cross-dressing.
b) 2 drinks: somethat that's dodgy from any angle for example Kasumi getting
leered at in a bikini, Shigeru turning up with fifteen girlfriends in tow or
Satoshi's mother showing up on Okido's arm.
c) 4 drinks: something that would make the censors choke on their beer, like
Kojiro's false breasts in Holiday in Aopulco.

1 drink:
Small in-jokes where things are obviously meant to look like pokeballs, like
bus stops, scenery and the capsized Santo Anna. Doesn't apply to intentional
stuff like Satoshi's pokeball clock.
Small film or anime gags: Junsaa holding a PKE metre, Nyas activating a
computer like Luna, Kojiro throing a rose like Tuxedo Mask, Kairyuu
(Dragonite) roaring like Godzilla and so forth.
Whenever a genre is mercilessly parodied - for example the many shojo
cliches in Bye Bye Butterfree and the Karakara (Cubone) episode.

2 drinks:
Obvious, substantial references. Examples: Kojiro and Musashi dressing up as
Anthy and Utena.

3 drinks:
Whenever the level of reference is taken to a ridiculous level. Episode 2
for example is practically a shot-for-shot remake of Evangelion ep1. Watch
closely.

Team Rocket get a happy ending: down your drink and shout "II KANJII!"
Satoshi dies: Party like it's 1999.
(Both of the above have happened more than once!)

So, the final score: By the end of this movie, you ought to be very drunk. It's probably better that way, too.

I probably should have credited the Pokemon drinking game. Oh well. Life's just rough that way. Besides, I didn't quote the _whole_ thing, right?

And, finally, adding to the list of things I Will Not Do If I Am Ever The Hero/Villain...

If I Am Ever The Hero...
...and I am faced with a villain whose impregnible psychokinetic shield all my pets' super-powered attacks have failed to penetrate, I will think twice before trying to attack it with my BARE HANDS.
...and if I should be so stupid as to try this, I will retain at least enough intelligence that I won't try it again a second time after I get my butt kicked the first time.

And, applying to the cretin who engineered MewTwo...

If I Am Ever The Villain...
...I will not, under any circumstances, create any creature more powerful than myself.
...and, if I do, I will REMEMBER that it is more powerful than myself, and treat it with respect, as an equal.
...I will ESPECIALLY avoid telling it, when it, in a fit of self-doubt, asks what its purpose is, that it exists only to serve my whims.
...and if I am so stupid as to do this, I will retain at least enough intelligence to have a backup plan in case it says "You know, I don't THINK so."

In other news, I saw Dogma. It was good. Um... and that's all there is to say about that. Now you know why I saw Pokemon, too. Gotta have SOMETHING to rip on.

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