Surl-o-matic Theatre Presents:
A Parody Too Far
(Pause. Roll credits.)
(Begin.)
To the Class of 2000; if I could give you only one piece of advice, it would be: Sarcasm. Sarcasm comes free with any purchase of intelligence, and it's stress-relieving effects are simply beyond question. Sarcasm has been scientifically proven to cure most diseases and bad moods, whereas the rest of this surl has no basis other than my own embittering experiences.
I will dispense this surl now.
If you're driving down a narrow two-lane road, a pedestrian is walking on your side, and a car is coming in the other lane, the three of you will always end up passing each other at the exact same point which will, by curious coincidence, be the narrowest portion of this already narrow road. When in doubt, hit the pedestrian, he's softer.
If female, remember that men are designed to do three things: survive, engage in carnal acts, and break things. Everything else is a 'beta' feature and shouldn't be relied on.
If male, practice saying "I'm sorry" whenever a person of the female persuasion is 1) Nearby and 2) Not in a positive mood. Even if you're not to blame, it never hurts to be sure.
Mark Twain once provided much wisdom when he said the following: "The fool says, don't put all your eggs in one basket, which is the same as saying divide your attention between many things. The wise man says, put all your eggs in one basket and WATCH THAT BASKET."
Never hang out with people who take themselves more seriously than you take yourself. Unless you like snickering quietly at them behind their backs.
It's better to be betrayed by a selfish person than a principled one. With a selfish person, what the hell did you expect? With a principled one, you will have learned the glorious lesson that some people put more value on the abstract than the real.
When considering bumper stickers that insult the police, keep in mind that not everyone has the same finely honed sense of humor that you do.
"WebTV. So that everyone on the Internet will know you're a dog."
The ability of schools to inspire something other than laughter disappeared with the concept of 'egg babies'.
Learn the difference between people who wear black because it's cool, people who wear black because they're thoughtful, intelligent, and kinda like it, and people who wear black because they're fuckin' nutcases.
To dispel the darkness of the soul, be sure to keep fresh batteries in the Mag-Lite of the mind. Personally, I recommend Energizers(tm).
There are people who value their friends more than their principles. These people need to pick their friends better. There are people who value their principles more than their friends. These people need to pick their principles better.
Revel in your lack of privacy; leave entertaining things for nosy people to find.
People hate to have their deeply cherished, yet utterly stupid, beliefs and ideals mocked. Savour their expressions when you do it, it's one of the few pure joys in life.
There are two types of gun owners you should make friends with: The thoughtful kind who owns a pistol for self defense, and the wannabe soldier of fortune who could equip a small battalion. The first is the guy you call when you need to borrow lawn equipment. The second is the guy you call when you need to help a madman storm a castle.
Never fight a land war in Asia without a Mongol Horde. Never fight a flame war on Usenet without a sense of humor.
Never get in a mud wrestling match with a pig. You just get all dirty and the pig likes it. Similarly, never fight with a masochist. It just tires you out, and the fact that the masochist wants more just takes all the fun right out of it.
Never tell an outright lie. Unless you can get away with it.
When in doubt, cheat. When caught, lie. See above.
When anyone other than a baliff asks you to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, lie and say "Sure thing."
When confronted with a member of your preferred sex whom you like, try not to make those little, drooling, burbling sounds. It's unseemly.
There are two types of people in the world, those who can create art from raw wood, and those who can't. Spend some time discovering which one you are. It'll save a lot of trouble in the long run.
Question your own principles regularly. If they seem like more trouble than they're worth, they probably are.
People who go around in life constantly complaining that something smells fishy around here ought to wonder if there's not a simpler explanation for this observance.
Learn what Dilbert's Corrolary to Sturgeon's Law is. Apply it to people in positions of power. Become cynical. Repeat with next generation.
If you didn't take this advice with a grain of salt, you aren't cynical enough yet. Go to more meetings.
But regardless, trust me on the sarcasm.
Rant 'o the day contains no additives, preservatives or small woodland creatures of any kind. Use only as directed. Do not expose to direct sunlight. Do not fold, spindle, multilate or remove identifying tags. Handle with care. Contains less than 3% milk fat by weight, not by volume. Squeeze the lemon.
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