Item one: Darth Toad. Yes, folks, the actor for Darth Maul ("You know, actor? Someone who acts?") has apparently been cast as a villain in the X-Men movie. But since they don't have very many martial artsy mutant villains (all X-Villains have to have Mutant Powers, and can't just be really studly), he's apparently been cast as everyone's favorite wacky sidekick, The Terrible Toad. For those of you who don't know, The Terrible Toad is a guy who's mutant power is that he jumps around a lot, looks really goofy, and has an attack which involves mucous. One can only hope that everywhere, Star Wars: Episode I fans are leaping off of buildings. 'cos hey, we can certainly do with a few less of 'em.
Item two: Kansas. Yes, the loveable state of Kansas (motto: "Only 60% of our government officials are complete morons!") will now no longer teach evolution in schools. Instead, that section of their science courses will be replaced with special 'ignorance training' in which students will be taught to hide under their desks, close their eyes tightly, cover their ears, and scream "I'm not listening to you and your evil truth! Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts! La la la la la la la!". In related news, scientists are looking into the possibility of generating massive amounts of energy from the motion of the Founding Fathers as they spin at near-relativistic velocities in their graves.
Item three: Georgia. In a stunning response to a recent spate of violence in Georgia, President Clinton today signed an executive order banning all Georgians. "We know this is an extreme measure," stated a Democratic spokesthing, "But really, we'll be better off without them anyway. They're just making things much more difficult for the rest of us." When informed of the mind-boggling stupidity of this action, the entire Cabinet crawled under their desks and began screaming "I'm not listening to you and your evil truth! Happy thoughts! Happy thoughts! La la la la la la la!"
And now you know... the rest of the story.
Rant 'o the day contains no additives, preservatives or small woodland creatures of any kind. Use only as directed. Do not expose to direct sunlight. Do not fold, spindle, multilate or remove identifying tags. Handle with care. Contains less than 3% milk fat by weight, not by volume. Squeeze the lemon.
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