"None of that logic here, we're a techno-libertarian commune!"

Now, a lot of people disliked Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, and a lot of them raised perfectly good reasons for such objection. (I'll note, for the purposes of brevity, that this will be a fairly spoilerific rant. If you're one of the approximately 2.5 people on the planet who hasn't either seen The Phantom Menace or been so completely and thoroughly spoiled by the media frenzy that you might just as well have seen it because you know how it goes anyway, then you might not want to read this. Assuming that any of those 2.5 people can get a 'Net feed from their ger in Outer Mongolia, which seems somewhat unlikely.)

The main problems with The Phantom Menace which actually hold up under scrutiny are as follows.

The Immaculate Conception of Anakin Skywalker

Sniff, sniff... hmm. Smells like bullshit.

Midichlorians and the Jedi Detect O-Matic.

Now, let me get this straight. There are little itty bitty creatures living inside everyone, and they're the source of the Force? And you can tell if someone's a Jedi not by some mystical examination of their potential and aura, but by popping a blood sample into a little widget? And none of the Jedis' enemies have thought of the idea, in this enlightened and technological time, of a bio-weapon to kick the crap out of the midiwhozits? And... and... What complete and utter smeg! What a way to take all the wonder out of a concept.

Other annoyances people felt were over the Gungans (which I admit were annoying, but hell, what did you expect?) the "fly inside and blow it up trick" (again, when Lucas writes, what the hell did you expect?) and various other oddities. But really, this was a matter of taste.

Where the hell was I? (Such fertile ground for ranting... almost anywhere I turn there's something to bitch about...)

Oh yea.

The Brinmeister.

Now, Brin's written several articles from Salon, of various levels of bullshit content. One of his whoppers was a recent one about "The Transparent Society" where he argued that privacy was a doomed concept, and instead of trying to prop it up with legislation and technology, we ought to instead embrace the concept of lack-of-privacy, and embrace the idea that anyone can spy on anyone else. This ability to watch the Watchmen, so to speak, would keep everyone honest.

Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my ass.

But this sort of 'taking a kernel of interesting thought and turning it into a ramble of vast proportions' thing is typical of Brin, and we just detest it. I mean, the very idea of someone taking a grain of truth and fabricating a vast, rambling monologue out of sheer crotchetyness makes me want to... er, why is everyone looking at me like that?

Anyway, el Brinerino seems to think that Star Wars, with its' Force-sensitive 'aristocracy' deciding the fate of the universe, is an example of class-grovelling, bourgeoise garbage, and that George Lucas ought to be the first up against the wall when the revolution comes. He goes on to gleefully rant about such wacky things as...

Darth Vader... the Adolf Hitler of the Star Wars Universe!

Well, specifically, le Brin is cranky about how Vader sort of gets pardonned at the end when he turns against the Emperor and away from the Dark Side, despite the fact that you hardly see the rebels going around saying "Gosh, that Vader guy, I mean, he was a bad-ass and all, but at least he repented in the end". No, it's just Luke, and he's a pansy anyway.

Aristocracy and Destiny

Brin's cranky, you see, about these people with powers (that are inherited, no less) deciding the fate of the universe, like the fascist dictators and opressors of the people they are. Well, if you ignore the fact that it's Han Solo and Chewie that save Luke's "Force-sensitive" ass in the first movie, that Luke doesn't do a whole lot in the second, and Lando and Wedge of all people whack the Death Star in the last movie. Sure, the Phantom Menace doesn't show many 'everyman' characters, but then, it's a crappy film anyway.

Heroic Archetypes are A Sign of Dictatorial Opression

When you start to say that the concepts in "The Hero With A Thousand Faces" (a book about archetypes and such) about the noble hero with a destiny and all that stuff are just a load of fetid dingoes' kidneys with no place in the mind of any serious Science Fiction(tm) Writer(tm, pat pend), then it's time to go down to the local doctor to have your severe cranial-rectal insertion disorder treated.

Star Trek is a Populist Paradise of Non-Cynical Fun

Well, um. If you ignore the fact that the Federation seems to be practically a human empire in all but name, Starfleet seems to be a bunch of cretins who couldn't find their ass with both hands and the entire crew of most starships helping out, hypocritical behavior is rampant whenever the subject of the Prime Directive comes up, and what the hell is up with all those godlike aliens continually testing us and finding that humanity is the next best thing to sliced bread?

Okay, Brinerito. Just hang on, we'll get the nice men in the white coats to come by soon enough.

Now, I have to say that I didn't like the Phantom Menace, and I've never really liked the concept that power makes you an automatic leader, to say nothing of the fact that most supposed "heroes" of modern movies are really smug bastards who need a good kick in the ass... but sometimes a movie is just a movie.

• Evil & Malice #1
• Thunderbolts #29
• Animerica Extra V.2 #7
• Avengers Forever #8
• Planetary #4

Meanwhile, Goku is still en route.

Meanwhile, Bulma calls Earth to whine, and gets a response that can be summarized as "Well, what the hell do you expect US to do about it?"

Guldo continues to get smacked around by Krillan and Gohan, until even his own team-mates are taunting him. Infuriated, Guldo at last stands his ground, and catches Krillan and Gohan in a psionic trap, freezing them in place. Vegeta just shakes his head in frustration while Guldo starts taking out his frustrations by beating the crap out of the two paralyzed heroes. The rest of the Ginyu Force are pretty bored by this point, and start taunting Guldo to get him to hurry the hell up and get it over with. Guldo finds a tree and blasts it a few time to turn it into a giant spear, which he intends to shish-kebab the two heroes with.

Gohan's frustration is such that his mentor, Piccolo, senses it in the Next Dimension, but, being dead, he can do nothing to help.

As the spear nears, the two are suddenly saved by... Vegeta? Vegeta finally intervenes and takes Guldo down with a single blast.

This pisses the rest of the Ginyu Force off, and they proceed to... play another game of Rock-Paper-Scissors? These people are complete idiots! Probably they're overconfident from having smacked around weak opponents for so long, as once again one of them steps forwards alone, this time to confront Vegeta. Yeah, like Krillan and Gohan aren't going to join in if their ally starts losing. Duh.

Most of the rest of the episode is taken up by the Ginyu Force's dramatic pre-battle posing, bickering over who gets to fight which hero, and surprise at Vegeta's power level (we don't get a number, though).

Man, and these guys were supposed to be bad-asses. What a bunch of pansies.

Next episode: Vegeta vs a giant surly guy with red hair!

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