[Jacob]

     I reclined in the chair, trying my best to be at ease. It's always been
difficult with my son- I can honestly say that I've never properly
understood him, ever. Lir knows, I've tried.
    Mabon bobs his head absently to the beat from a nearby boombox. I'm
disapproving myself. The strong dance pop beat is, I think, a disruption to
this pastoral spot. No one else seems to mind, and it's not my kid with the
radio. Who am I to object?
    I study the runic tattoos that line his arm, tracing up their length to
vanish underneath his short sleeved shirt, and wonder what forces they're
tied to. I wonder in what way he has been 'balanced' too.
    To our fellow patrons of the park, we seem like an odd pair, but no more
so than any of the many others who come to this place, to feed the birds,
enjoy the sunshine.. to play chess. Mabon looks wild and dangerous compared
to me, like a lead guitarist in a rock band, or a biker. I might appear as
any relatively young adult professional. I don't exert much effort to stand
out, other than to appear attractive (and not out of vanity but rather
self-respect). To do otherwise is not the Shroudling way. Yet tradition has
fallen to the way side after my generation.  It's ironic too- Mabon looks
dangerous, but between the two of us, looks are deceiving. I will concede, I
am more civilized.

    A honey colored blonde girl approaches. She has this sort of friendly
wholesome smile that is hard to dislike, though she's too young for my
taste. Once a million years ago, I stuttered in a failed, albeit valiant
attempt to capture the attention of another honey colored blonde just like
her. A million years ago a young lady asked me a question, and now a million
years later this one will ask it again. It is preordained.  This is where it
all began.  This is the park where Benedict made four of us play chess
against each other through a complex trump contact, just prior to Brand's
introduction of the Infection into Trump.
    Here was where my story began.
    "Hi there.. What can I get you fellas to drink?" she smiles taking a pad
and pencil from her apron.
    "Lemonade please," I reply, as I always have.
    Mabon belches, and I wince disgusted. "Beer.."
    "Bottle or draft?
    "Draft is fine.. No, no-" he sits up properly from his customary slouch.
"Dad is buying," he grins, "Got an import in the bottle?" She describes what
the vendor has on hand, and I nod confirming that, yes, the tab is on me.
    He might need it.

     I handle this conversation much better than I did with Merlin.
     I was too busy shrieking in rage to Merlin to be very fair to him. I
regret that now. It wasn't his fault that I felt so betrayed. I did,
however, need to make it clear that I required an indefinite leave of
absence from the role of Guardian. He was clearly at a loss to either
council or console me. Months later I still really didn't have a good answer
to what one says to someone whose wife has become his brother. Hallmark
doesn't make a card in that category. In the end when I yelled, "I QUIT!" at
the top of my lungs over the trump contact. I hope he understood that I
needed some time to get my affairs in order.  With the Black Flame gone, and
suddenly single, I really didn't need to be anyone's toady. He had two
Guardian's already. No one needed me as a third wheel.

    Mabon never really got a chance to know his mother, except from a couple
stolen photographs.
    His childhood was filled with repeating expressions of his pain at her
denial. Some of the incidents were comedic, some were just horrifying.  I
think the worst was when he concocted artificial banana oil.  It bonds one
part per million. It also reproduces the effect of the attractive pheromone
of a queen bee. If you don't see where this is going- just try to imagine a
two building, two story,  middle school complex.  All one giant beehive.  I
had to conceal his handiwork from national police agencies, and the
scientific community.  The National Guard was called out just because my son
had no one to come to his school's Mothers Day presentation. The school had
to be burned to the ground. Again, I'd laugh if I hadn't lived it. There's
nothing funny about an unhappy and lonely little boy.
    I won't mention the cat. I'm thankful that Cerise was not a destructive
child.

    I didn't know what to expect from him.  Therefore I was prepared for
almost anything- except for him to take it in stride.  He shook his head,
offered his condolences, and acted dismayed and a little disgusted. He
didn't act particularly surprised. I guess I can't fault him for that, from
his point of view.
    "Yeah," he sighed, "I'll tell Cerise"  He tipped his beer up and
finished it off before crushing the paper cup in his fist. "She's always
been there for me to talk to, I guess it's only fair that I be there for
her."
    I nod my thanks. "I don't relish popping up in the Axis now that my own
powers have been restored.. and having them all scurry away like a horde of
dysfunctional munchkins reacting to the sudden appearance of Margaret
Hamilton."  He looks puzzled by the reference, so I don't bother to
elaborate. "How do you think she'll take it?"
    He considers carefully before shrugging. "Hard to say," he muses, "she
was getting closer to," he hesitates, "her." He looks at me appraisingly,
"Don't take this the wrong way Dad, but you kind of creep me out-" he grins,
"but you're always going to be 'Dad'. No matter what. But Cerise and
Raven..?  I see them as more friends than mother and daughter.  Raven was
never there when she was growing up, so they can acknowledge the ties, but
they can't ever really have that some sort of feeling. Ya know what I mean?
Those connections aren't in place, but they come to terms with each other as
adults."
    "That's alright," I tell him, about being 'creeped out'. I know it's
mostly a term of affection for him. A coping device to help him get past the
fact that he's very different than the everyone he knows. "So you think
they'll be fine? Friends still?"
    "Depends on how Cerise adjusts to her change of identity." He rubs his
chin, "Might depend on how this affects you."
     "How do you mean?"
     "Tell me Dad, does this mean that you're suddenly going to find Jadey
too? You are suddenly making the effort to look me up, just in time to tell
me this. "
     That stung badly. Jade.. my god..
     I blink. "Yeah, I realize that," suddenly feeling three inches tall.

     There is this awful sensation that one goes through when a partnership
or a marriage dissolves.  It's almost as if both halves of the couple
suddenly reach out and renew their connections to their support group.  You
don't have to be a mathematician to figure it out.  The couple no longer has
each other to rely on. All of a sudden they need others. It could be now,
that Raven really doesn't need anyone besides Thalion any longer. I'm left
behind. With the silence between me and my parents widening with every day,
and the hard words spoken between so many others.. I guess I have wanted to
reach out to Cerise and Mabon, and yes.. even Jade.  In some respects, I
feel like they are all that I have left.
    I don't want to lose them too.

    Shaking my head slightly, I realize that Mabon has been speaking for
some time, and I've been lost in my own thoughts. "..So I can kinda
understand what you're feeling. As for Uncle Thal- well I don't know the
dude, but all I can say is that maybe he made a snap decision like you did
when you got tangled up in the Black Flame.  Either that, or maybe he just
felt like you have before- like he knew best.  People aren't all good Dad,
and they're not all bad.. and sometimes," he shrugs, "they're not noble
lions."
    He gives a ghost of a smile. "Sometimes they're like- 'Hefalumps and
Woozels'.."
    I nod glumly, "..steal honey..."

     Later that day, after we part company, I return to one place that I
have called home in the past.  The cozy cave where I spent many a year with
my wife.
    Unfinished business.

    I carefully unlocked the mirror, and emerged from the Mirrorsea.  I
swallow thickly as I survey the damage, and it almost pains me.  It hasn't
changed since last time, since before the Black Flame.  She finally got that
damn storage spell working correctly and it's not covered with an eon's
worth of dust.
    No conjuring robots to clean it out.  Safe, and secure- the place where
I knew the happiest time in my life, and all ready for me.
    Like so much of the life I built with another person, this place doesn't
belong to me any longer. 'They' probably have some detection spell on this
place. Collecting those personal effects that have a sentimental value
shouldn't be too surprising, but like any former lover- I should just pack
my stuff and go while she's at work. It's the polite thing to do.

    I conjure a box, and slowly pack those mementos and trinkets that I
still value.  Photo albums, and little treasures, haphazard attempts at
keeping a diary, and my University transcripts and record of my doctorates-
all these things go in my box.
    Material things like clothing, those I leave behind.  Anything that can
be artificially replaced I ignore.  I take those things that I've earned,
created, or obtained in such a way that recalls a memory. I suppose the
memories are what's important.
    I sort through a case of clear crystal stones.  Me and Thalion's music
collection, or at least my half of it. This is replaceable, but it too
invokes memories.  CD's and vinyl records  obviously wouldn't function in
Rebma.  I used to journey out to Shadow through the old Mirror Realm, and I
would download music into these crystals and bring them home to him.  In a
way, it was a backhanded gesture that I was so famous for, because I
wouldn't take him with me.  He wasn't able to work Paradox Logic then, and I
was lording it over him, but he was still always so grateful.  After we got
older, I would take him with me.. And we would troll Mall after Mall through
the cosmos looking for music, and scouting for girls (well at the time I
thought we were both looking for girls..).
    I suddenly snatch one stone from the case and hurl it against the wall,
causing it to shatter like glass.
    Bastard. At Daywinter when he observed our promises to each other, he
swore! He swore to do his part in holding us together.. not to bloody tear
us apart. You're going to pay Thalion, whatever part of you still exists.
All through my life I have denied that the curse of the twin bond exists.  I
denied it at the Grove, and I denied it at Daywinter.  I denied it when I
had the chance to be absolved of it, and allowed Darthene and Deirdre to be
set free instead.  To admit to it, was to admit that I was weak, and that
there was some small part of me that was like Thalion.  It was admitting
that I wasn't in control of my life. I don't deny it any longer.  I welcome
it. Bring on the curse, and this time let him suffer for it. He helped take
the one good thing that I used to have no regrets about, and ruin it.  I
wasn't about to *do* anything to my brother.  I was counting on the Universe
giving it to him in spades.

    I push the crystal case in the box with everything else.  Then the Alice
books, and the collection of Milne..  I smile as I selected my well worn
copy of 'The End of Eternity.' That particular treasure I tuck into my coat
pocket. Ol' Isaac knew what he was talking about.

     I survey the rest of the cave apartment. Setting down the box, I walk
slowly to the bed. I had a little secret that no one really paid very much
attention to, and since this would probably be the last time I would ever
return here...
     At times when the division of resisting the pull between my Bright
Mirror and my Dark Mirror would become so great that I thought I would go
mad, there was a physical manifestation.  A black iron gun, that would
appear unbidden, in my hand.  My gun came to me many times.  One of the last
times I saw it, I tried to show it to Raven. I was out of control and
crying, as we had been arguing. The gun came to me, and Raven refused to
acknowledge it's presence. I was so horrified that I threw it under the bed,
and there it remained.. forgotten.
    I lift the bed frame, mattress and all.
    I find only shadows in the corner.. and dust.

    Tiredly I sit on the bed and prepare to say my final goodbye.  I reach
around my neck and remove the carved wooden medallion from under my shirt.
I have never removed this since the day I took my true vows.  Raven and I
never took much stock in the Daywinter ceremony.  Here in this private
shadow, we had our own personal and private wedding.  There is a nearby
hotspring grotto; there we undressed each other, and bathed our past lives
away.. We made our own oaths, and it was then she gifted me with this
medallion to represent her own commitment to me.  We made love outside that
night, under the open sky with only the stars to serve as witnesses.
     Part of me does blame myself.  She was right. I allowed an uncertainty
to enter our lives when I took the Black Flame.  I thought by proving that I
loved her truly without the Shroudling/Familiar bond, that eventually our
love would be purer.  Instead I showed how common and unremarkable it really
was.
     She found that level of intimacy with someone else, in a different way.
I took away the one thing that she could always count on, in a lifetime of
evil spells and poisoned love potions; that I needed her just to live.  And
then I proved that I didn't even need that.
     All that considered though, I've stopped blaming it all on myself.  She
never gave an inch, on anything. She only saw the worse in anything that
dare touch her life without her expressed permission. She was hard at times,
and she had her viewpoint and that was it. I don't recall her ever saying
her sorry for anything, except in the most perfunctory of manner- I never
knew her to change her mind. Only to persuade others to change theirs. She
never gave Jade a chance. The circumstances of Cerise and Mabon's birth were
always held against them no matter what she said. Poor Nikolas- of all
people..
    I only I still remembered that Nikolas was just a curious college
student from the future, curious about his ancestry.  Through our
contrivance and because we were his past, we turned him into a monster, and
then something more tragic.
    I'm still angry, but I can't seem to muster the rage I feel towards
Thalion.  I want to list and catalog her various sins and sleights, but it
doesn't make me feel any better, just lonelier... and bitter.
     It's unworthy of me, but I question why I held on so long, if it was
just going to end like this?  Despite the machinations of the Drake, and my
own natural instincts- I never failed to hang on to my love for her no
matter what the cost and no matter how absolute the power that tried to
divide us.
    Sometimes it was magic, and once.. once it was the simple compassion of
a stranger. I still think back to a kind woman that I was seeing for therapy
when Cerise and Mabon were driving me to the brink, and I was separated from
Raven for years and years.  She was a psychologist, and she was intended for
Mabon.  I was the only one that ever talked to her, however.  I'll never
forget how she looked at me one day. "Maybe reality is exactly what we say
it.  Does that thought ever make you feel lonely, Dr. Barimen?"  It was an
epiphany for me.  I should have undressed her and made love to her right
there on her office floor.  Familiar or not, I wanted to. She was the only
other woman I can remember in the last hundred years besides Raven who ever
reached out and held my hand. No.. there was another..
    If it was all going to end between Raven and I, I probably should
have... I probably should have done a lot of things differently. I close my
eyes and the pretty psychologist suddenly has dark hair, and green eyes..
and.. and..
    And all I can think of is how Andelia has the longest eyelashes that
I've ever seen.  That even dressed in men's clothes, and armor, that those
eyelashes remind me again and again that she is a woman.. A pretty woman who
neither realizes it, or allows herself the luxury of feeling it.
    I tremble as I sit there on the bed. I can feel her somewhere far away
and I am drawn.  I have not gone to her. After all my previous experiences,
and cognizant of how I once felt for Raven I refuse to allow myself to be a
contrived slave of my impulses. Andelia was my first crush, and then my Dark
Mirror, and now she is possibly my Brightness. I won't make a move towards
her, but after a long while.. she will come to me cautiously. It's never
wise to leave one person for another, you leave a relationship because
there's nothing left to save. I changed the character of my marriage and
damaged it, Raven allowed another person into our intimacy and finished it.
I will not be a slave to my Shroudling nature, but when Andi's makes the
effort to see me, and I know she will, there will be nothing to keep us
apart. I wrap my arms around  myself and I tremble waiting for that time to
be.
    Misunderstood Andelia, you have felt so disliked by so many. How zealous
you are towards the ones that you are secure with.

    It's time for me to leave now.

    My box in hand, I feel the call.  My father-
    He needs me.  He has a problem and has no one else to turn to..  Like a
puppy, I decide that I want to see my father again. When you're feeling all
alone the world, and you don't know what to do next, there's always Dad..
Stepping to mirror I resolve all refractions for the cool consistent value
of Madoc..
     I note the darkening integers of his local spatial values. A weakened
Remba.. I feel guilt, and resolve that I should help restore what I
inadvertently damaged. Perhaps that's what he's calling me about..
    The Mirror resolves...

--Jacob--