"Very carefully, with small brushes, clear away the dirt," Jack recited to himself as he slowly uncovered the archaeological treasure. "Yer takin' this new hobby way too seriously," the squirrel on his shoulder sighed. "Th' Armor of the Clouds is magic...y'could dig it out wit' a jackhammer." "But what about anything else nearby that isn't enchanted?" Jack asked. "It would be a crime against history to damage it. Just because I took up archaeology to try to find tools to use against the Celestial Court doesn't mean I'm some kind of strip-mining tomb raider. And no Croft jokes, please." "Awwww, go ahead and deprive me of one a' my few pleasures in life," Louie sulked, his tail drooping. "Things've been borin' since Hell dis- corporated itself and yer contract fell through the cracks. All I do anymore is cast divinations ta find stuff y'can dig up. We still haven't found anything dat's gonna stop a god." "Boring can be good," Jack chided. "Not that I really believe my contract was simply 'lost' in the shuffle. Any day now, Mr. Jones is going to pop up behind me and say..." "Jack," came a voice from behind him. "AAAAAAAAH!" Jack and Louie screamed in unison. Jack whirled around, leaving Louie to cling as best as he could to the back of Jack's shirt. "Father!" Jack gasped. "Don't DO that!" Jack's father was a master of the poker face, so he did not grin at his son's obvious discomfiture. "You must return to America." "Why?" Jack asked. He was whapped on the forehead. "OW!" "Do not talk back to your father!" the elderly man shouted. "Your girlfriend the assassin is in trouble." "She's not my girlfriend!" Jack protested. "She's a criminal, and she tried to kill me!" "Ah yes, young love," Jack's father smiled. "And don't knock professional assassination as a career choice. Very good money!" "I think Jack wanted details, not to backtalk, honorable uncle," Louie interjected. "Ayaah! Impertinent monkey! I was not talking to you! Jack, your girlfriend has gotten in BIG trouble with some very BAD magic. You must go rescue her, or I'll never have grandchildren!" "But...oh, never mind," Jack's shoulders slumped in resignation. "Where in America?" "Topeka, Kansas." Louie sighed. "Lovely." "Well, let's go," Jack stood and started gathering his tools. "One more thing!" his father called out as he walked away. "Bring those suits of armor you've been digging up. I think they'll come in handy." Louie peered at the Armor of the Clouds. "But blue isn't even my color." @>-`-,-`-,-`-,`-,-`-,-`-,-`- \\ // -'-.-'-.'-.-'-.-'-.-'-.-'-<@ .|,Coherent Comics Presents \\ // #6 - Laqueus Lazuli --X------------------------- E }X{ ARCHS copyright 2002 by the '|` A Superguy Tale // \\ Dvandroid (Dave Van Domelen) @>-`-,-`-,-`-,`-,-`-,-`-,-`- // \\ -'-.-'-.'-.-'-.-'-.-'-.-'-<@ On later reflection, Stan would realize that things started going crazy the instant he grasped the mystic bow...but the heat of his fight against the bow's previous owner had kept him from noticing the first onset. But now the elf was bleeding out on the ground, and Stan was free to pay attention to the world outside his recent fight. And what a world! Trees thrust up from the ground with enough force to bowl over combatants on both sides. The wounded were healing at an astonishing rate, and the dead were decaying into dust before his eyes. The constructs seemed unaffected, but the rapidly changing landscape was keeping them confused and off balance. What was happening? When Sig.Lad first grabbed the Skysabre, the air had run riot around him. If the bow he held in his hands was the mystic weapon of wood, that would explain the trees...but what about everything else? He felt himself lifted up on a pillar of vines, slowly rising above the rapidly growing forest as the plants wrapped themselves around him. The battle below was raging as out of control as the woods themselves, as warriors rose from nearly mortal wounds and returned to the fray. "Of course!" he gasped. "It's not just wood, it's all growing things, the cycle of life and death! I've got to get this under control...." Stan concentrated, trying to quiet the tempest of green flowing through him. Slowly, but surely, the mad profusion of growth slowed, then stopped. He was now quite far above the ground, and didn't think the vines supporting him would stay rigid for much longer. Below, the tide of battle had shifted decisively in favor of the rebels. While fallen warriors had healed at a miraculous pace, damage inflicted on the constructs had remained, and the brief period of wild growth had given the less construct-dependent rebels a decided edge. "I think I can end this now," he drew an arrow from his quiver, taking careful aim as the vine started to sway. The war-lock was still keeping Skysabre at bay, and his presence was stiffening the living Mu forces. He nocked the arrow and let fly. To his astonishment, the arrow doubled while in flight, then doubled again and again, hitting the war-lock as a veritable rain of shafts. What had been intended as a disabling shot turned into a lethal barrage. "Ah well, fortunes of war," Stan muttered as he worked to free his legs from the vines. "Huh?" He looked down at himself. He was now wearing his own suit of wooden armor, much like the outfit his elven foe had been wearing. "Guess it comes with the bow," he shrugged, then started climbing down the swaying stalk. * * * * "The Tarsus says you've got the mystic weapon of wood, alright," Skysabre peered into the pink depths of the armband's crystal. "It's called Oakthorn. I just wish it had come with a manual...I was trying to disable the war-lock without killing him." Stan shrugged. "It's a war. If we'd just tied him up and left him, how long do you think it would've been before our gunbunny dwarf friend turned him into a fine red mist?" Anna cocked an eyebrow. "I don't know why, but it seems to strange to hear you so accepting of the idea of killing a man." [Well, in the main Dvandom Force timeline, Stan quit the group over the killing of Sig.Lad, so maybe...ah, never mind. - Ed] "It's a different world, Anna," Stan replied. "And, to be honest, I feel like a different man than I was a few days ago. Look...I didn't intend to kill the war-lock either, I was just trying to wound him. Maybe the bow responded to a subconscious desire, maybe it has its own agenda, I don't know." "Well, you'd better figure it out before we get to a reality where killing people is frowned on," Kat smirked. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to go absorb some construct mass." Kat stalked off towards the fallen tin soldier, licking her lips. Thurvak waddled up to the group. "Well, that was an odd fight. And I've seen some pretty gradged up fights in my day." "Magic bow," Stan held up Oakthorn. "Acted up a bit when I touched it. Sorry if it bothered you." Thurvak chuckled. "Oh, I can't say as seeing a burned off arm regenerate before my eyes BOTHERS me. A bit disturbing, but at least I got my arm back. So, is that the weapon you were looking for?" "DAMN!" Kat shouted as she stomped back to the group. "Um, yes, Thurvak," Skysabre nodded before turning to face Kat. "What's the problem?" "I can't assimilate extra mass, that's what," Kat fumed. "I thought it might be the spells cast to toughen the constructs, so I tried assimilating a dropped pistol. No go. Looks like this is one of those prices the Dvandroid talked about. Hope I start seeing the benefits soon." "I dunno what you mean by assimilatin'," Thurvak shrugged, "but I suppose we have a few spare guns now, if you want one you can have it." "I'm fine with this spear I took off an elf," Anna waved her new weapon around. It was a significant upgrade over the bandit's weapon she had been using, and the spearhead seemed to glow with faint magical energy. "It's not the mystic weapon of fire I'm supposed to be looking for, but it'll do the job until then. And having a spear in my hands just feels right, somehow." [Left as an exercise for the reader. - Ed] "We should probably be off to our next destination, Thurvak," Skysabre offered his hand to the dwarf, who shook it roughly. "Well, good luck," the gunner said. "If you're ever back around this part of the Lands and want a paying job, we've always got room." Skysabre chuckled. "I'll keep it in mind. Okay, people, time to get back on the Golden Path!" * * * * "We're supposedly in an Altiverse called 934PULPTRAPS," Skysabre frowned as he looked down the ancient stone corridor they had arrived in. "Oh, THAT sounds lovely," Kat sighed. "An entire reality devoted to traps. Well, I'll keep sensors wide open and take point." "How old do you suppose this place is?" Stan rapped on the mouldering stone wall with the hard wood panel on the back of his hand. "Do you suppose it's old enough that some of the traps would have stopped working?" Anna shook her head. "Rule number one of pulp-era traps, according to the writings of Dr. Dan Amick-Tention [of Agents of P.U.L.P. - Ed]. No matter how old the trap is, or how finicky the mechanism seems to be, it ALWAYS works. Even if it doesn't make any sense." "ESPECIALLY if it doesn't make any sense," Skysabre added. "So don't get careless just because something seems stupid and arbitrary. Those are the most dangerous traps." The Exarchs slowly walked down the corridor by the light of the Skysabre and Anna's spear. A barrier of cobwebs slowly loomed out of the darkness. Kat reached forward to brush them aside. "Wait!" Anna said, blocking Kat with her spear. "It's a trap." "What makes you say that?" Kat demanded. "934PULPTRAPS makes me say that," Anna smirked. "Si...Skysabre, could you give us a little wind?" Skysabre held up his blade. "I'll try." He concentrated, and slowly a breeze picked up, billowing the cobwebs out as it flowed away from him. The webs started to shred in the breeze, drifting away down the corridor. After a few moments, the webs were all gone, revealing a silken cord stretched from wall to wall at knee height. "A trap that depends on cobwebs? That stu...right. Never mind," Kat sighed. "So let's all just carefully step over the tripwire," she moved forward. Then the floor gave way under her feet and she plummetted out of sight. "Um, maybe the tripwire was a red herring?" Stan ventured. WAS THE TRIPWIRE A RED HERRING? WHERE DID KAT GO? WILL THE AUTHOR RIP OFF INDIANA JONES TOO BADLY NEXT EPISODE? CAN I HAVE ONE OF THOSE ROTARY CANNONS LIKE THURVAK USES? ONE MORE THING! WHERE IS MY TEA? Answers to these questions except for the fourth one (to which the answer is Definitely Not), on the next...Superguy! ============================================================================= Author's Notes: Yep, Jack is back! As long-time readers may have noticed, I'm not following the long-term plan I laid out in the Crazy Guy wrap-up post. Those were things I intended to do, but didn't. They should not be taken as canon for what actually happened during my time away from Superguy. I'll be revealing that (and, um, figuring it out) as I go.