Tales of the Intermezzo - Goons A Transformers Universe Story copyright 2000 by Dave Van Domelen based on properties owned by Hasbro =========================================================================== "intermezzo - n. A brief entertainment between two acts of a play." - American Heritage Dictionary "Hey, Channel," Ironworks clambered up into the subdivided workspace. The bay had once been home to Autobots, but now Micromasters and Maximals used it. One level had been made into five by installing deckplates and walls. There were plans to use the Plasma Energy Chamber to reshape the planet all at once to accomodate the scale of the current inhabitants, but Ironworks didn't mind the bodged-up nature of the accomodations. After all, it was his sort of living space. "Oh, hi," the recently-rebuilt data recovery specialist greeted Ironworks. "You finish it?" Ironworks held up a strange pointed object that appeared to have a data reader head mounted at the tip. "Yep! Whatcha need it fer?" Channel nodded to a black cylinder. "I found a record from shortly after the Great War, from the effects of the Predacon spymaster Thinpipe. It appears to be a transcript of an audio record of a video archive encoded on the inside of a wax cylinder." "Well, put it on!" ============================================================================ Dramatis Personae: SEGRUN - A down-on-his-luck neutral Micromaster THINPIPE - A Predacon spy, destined for greatness MORITURI - Thinpipe's henchman and bodyguard ECHO - A down-on-his-intelligence Maximal BLOODLOCK - A Maximal deserter, on the run BOTCH - A Predacon who will introduce himself BLUEBOMBER - An eager young Maximal officer ACT I SCENE I: A run-down flat in Vilnacron, ten years after the end of the Great War. SEGRUN (Narrating): There I was, dear listener, down to my last ounce of Energon. But things were looking up! And not just because even other Micromasters are taller than I am...for I had found an advertisement for work! The man in this flat wants to hire a bot to move a databank from one room to another, a job I do believe I might be qualified for. SFX: KNOK KNOK THINPIPE (muffled): Do come in. SFX: Door opens, closes. SEGRUN: Hello. THINPIPE: Hello. Have a gorilla. SEGRUN: No thanks, I'm trying to give them up. I've come about the databank. Where is it? THINPIPE: All in good time, all in good time. Here's the five slips of energon promised. Now sign here. SFX: skritch skritch SEGRUN (talking over SFX): Se...grun...Order of Cybertron. THINPIPE (impressed): You're OOC? SEGRUN: Well, I just can't seem to stay IC! HA! (embarrassed pause) Ahem. So...where is this databank? THINPIPE: It's in the WC. SEGRUN: Strange tastes you have.... THINPIPE: No, you misunderstand. The World Computer, at Iacon. SEGRUN (agitated): WHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHAT? THINPIPE: Specifically, Teletran One's databank. SEGRUN: AAAAaaaaaah! SFX: THUD! MORITURI (thick bad French accent): For those of you without television, he's fainted! THINPIPE: Quick, Morituri, help me lift the weight of his reserve fuel tank off his chest. Hmm, that doesn't seem to have done it. Let's try this.... SFX: The sound of an energon slip hitting the deckplate SEGRUN (waking up suddenly and singing): Hunger, I want it so bad I can.... (stops singing) whoaohohwa! Where am I? THINPIPE: Vilnacron. SEGRUN: What address? THINPIPE: 7a. Have a gorilla. SEGRUN: No thanks, they hurt my throat. THINPIPE: Oh, naughty gorillas. SEGRUN: Wait! I remember! You've trapped me into stealing Teletran One's databanks for you for only five slips of energon! THINPIPE: You signed the contract, Segrun. Now bring me Teletran One's Databanks or I'll sue you for breach of contract! SEGRUN: AAAAAAA! SFX: Door opens and closes, footsteps receding as Segrun runs away. THINPIPE: Just think, Morituri...if that overripe steamer does manage to bring back Teletran's databanks, we'll be rolling in moolah! That database is worth ten thousand astroliters of energon! MORITURI: How do you know? THINPIPE: I've seen its bank book. THINPIPE and MORITURI (singing): April in Pareeee! SCENE II: Interior of a bulk cargo carrier. SEGRUN: And so, with only five slips of energon to my name, I figured the best way to Iacon was to stow away on a bulk carrier sailing the new Istoral Sea. But I soon found I wasn't alone... ECHO (distant, echoing singing): I talk to the trees...that's why they put me away.... SEGRUN: It was a tall, ragged Maximal... ECHO (singing, under SEGRUN): ...Ragged Maximal.... SEGRUN: ...with a plasticised outer coating and a metal trilby hat. ECHO: ...Metal trilby...(stops singing) Oh! Alllllo dere! I am the famous Echo! SEGRUN: And I am Segrun. I see we share accomodations here below decks. ECHO: Aye, aye...so, where are you gettin' off? SEGRUN: Nowhere. I figure it's safer to stay on the boat until it reaches Iacon. ECHO: Iacon? What luck! That's where the ship's goin'! Everythin's gonna be foine, foine.... SEGRUN: Have a gorilla. ECHO: Oooh, t'anks! SFX: Raging mad mountain gorilla tearing into Echo. ECHO: Wow. Dese gorillas is strong! Here, have one of my monkeys, they're milder. SEGRUN (narrating): And so we passed the rest of the voyage, quietly smoking monkeys. ACT II SCENE I: A hostel in Iacon. A very cheap hostel. SEGRUN (narrating): And so, on reaching Iacon, I parted ways with Echo and found myself a place to stay. Soon breakfast came around, and I fitted my organic matter converter. SEGRUN (not narrating anymore): Ah, toast, kippers...WAIT! What's this coming in the window? It's a fork on the end of a long pole! I say, what are you doing? BLOODLOCK (old British voice, from outside the window): Erm, fishing. SEGRUN: But it's the forty-seventh floor! BLOODLOCK: Ah, the river seems to have dropped. SEGRUN: I have a good mind to call the manager! BLOODLOCK: Then call him! I am unafraid. SEGRUN: No. Why should I? BLOODLOCK: Fine, then I will. Manager? SFX: Door opening MANAGER: Yes? BLOODLOCK: Throw this man out! SEGRUN: AAAAAAAaaaaah! (Fading as he falls out the window.) BLOODLOCK: Ah, breakfast. Toast, kippers...nodge me gondola! There's a fork on the end of a long pole, and it's trying to spear me kipper! I say! SEGRUN: Er, sorry, I was fishing. BLOODLOCK: I should call the manager. SEGRUN: Go ahead, call him! BLOODLOCK: No. Why should I? SEGRUN (aside to listener): Watch me turn the tables on him, folks. (out loud) Manager! SFX: Door opens. MANAGER: Yes? BLOODLOCK: Throw this man out! SEGRUN: AAAAAAAaaaaaah! (fading away as he falls) SCENE II: A less than fashionable cafe in Iacon's lower levels. Okay, it's a dive. SEGRUN (narrating): No energon, no place to live, and no idea what to do next. If only I had an expert specializing in databank robberies from Iacon. SFX: WHOOSH! BOTCH (thick bad German accent I'm not going to try to transliterate): Allo. I was listening to the radio and heard you asking for an expert who specialized in databank robberies from Iacon? SEGRUN: Ah, what fortune. Have a gorilla. BOTCH: No thanks, I only smoke baboons. Now let us get down to business. I have here a map to the World Computer building here in Iacon that we must use to help plan the theft. Here, you take this end.... SFX: Unfolding sounds, which continue under the next several lines. BOTCH: Good, good...unfold that bit... SEGRUN: Aha...yes...hmmm... BOTCH: Flatten that bit out...yes... SFX: Unfolding ends. BOTCH (very distant): Now, the first thing.... SEGRUN: Heavens, you're MILES away! Take the first left on Cybertron Way, then turn onto the Old Iacon Highway.... SFX: Tires screeching, car door opening and closing. BOTCH: I took a taxi. It was quicker. Now, we disperse and meet at the Hall of Heroes. At midnight, we strike! ACT III SCENE I: Deep inside Iacon's high security area, the World Computer. BOTCH: There, we are past the last of the security. Teletran's databank should be just ahead. SEGRUN: Wait! There's someone there! He's trying to move the databank all by himself! What kind of total idiot would...? ECHO (singing): Ragged Maximal... SEGRUN: Echo! Who let you out after feeding time? ECHO: Well, ya see, there was this man, who paid me five slips of energon... SEGRUN (interrupting): Egads, you too? Fine, we can all take it out. BOTCH: One small complication. The databank will not fit through the door. SEGRUN: Then we simply remove the interface cables. Echo, hand me that special interface cable severing kit you just happened to be carrying! (Echo sings doggerel in background from here until his next line.) SFX: Fzap! THUNK. Fzap! THUNK. Fzap! THUNK. Fzap! THUNK. SEGRUN: There! I've severed all four interfaces! BOTCH: Strange. That's the first Autobot database I've seen with more than three interface cables.... ECHO: Ay! I keep falling down! SEGRUN: Ah, poor Echo, I cut off your leg! Here, wrap this map around the stump. SFX: Map folding sound continues for pretty much the rest of the scene. SEGRUN: All together now, heave! SFX: Much struggling and griping. (They enter an exterior courtyard in Iacon, at night.) SEGRUN (narrating): And so, by much heaving and hauling, we managed to get Teletran One's databank to the shore of the Istoral Sea. BLOODLOCK (REALLY bad French accent): Halt, in the name of le Law! SEGRUN: Take off that kilt, Bloodlock, we know you're not French! BLOODLOCK: I'm terribly sorry...but I signed a contract saying I had to move Teletran's databank from one.... SEGRUN: Yes, yes, we're all in the same boat. We have no money, so the only way to get the databank to Vilnacron is to FLOAT it across. Everybody, into the Istoral Sea...HEAVE! SFX: SPLOOSH! SCENE II: At sea, in the fog. SEGRUN (narrating): Log of Teletran's Databank. Day 56. No energon. Bloodlock down with the kremzeek. Echo up with the rust. Spirits fading. BLOODLOCK: Segrun, take the keyboard. I can't steer anymore. SEGRUN (after a short pause): Echo, take the keyboard. ECHO: I can't! SEGRUN: Why not? ECHO: I haven't brought my programming algorithms! SEGRUN: Well, you'll just have to use Perl for the next few hours! SFX: Helicopter blades BLOODLOCK: Look! It's a recording of a helicopter! SEGRUN: It's transforming! We're saved! BLUEBOMBER: Yes, it is I! SFX: Massive, wild, canned applause and cheering for several seconds. BLUEBOMBER: Silencio! I have drunk my fill of the clapping. Polyhex is now Maximal! Hip, hip...HOORAY! Hip, hip... SEGRUN: Have you come to save us? Bluebottle: Hooray. SEGRUN: Little stinking Maximal... BLUEBOMBER: Hush, I have my duty to do! (reads his stage directions) Raise cardboard Maximal banner. Cement in brass plaque. Step back to salute.... SFX: SPLOOSH! BLUEBOMBER: Helllp! I have fallen in the dreaded drowning-type water! SEGRUN: Quick, grab this fork on the end of a long pole! BLUEBOMBER (sputtering): But it's got a kipper on it! SEGRUN: Yes, you must keep your strength up! BLUEBOMBER: But I'm DROWNING! SEGRUN: No sense going hungry as well! Here, take my hand! BLUEBOMBER: Why, are you a stranger in paradise? SFX: Much grunting and groaning and splashing. SEGRUN: There! We've pulled him onto the databank! BLUEBOMBER: Databank? This is not a databank! This is Polyhex. SEGRUN: No, it's Teletran One's databanks! BLUEBOMBER: Nooo, no, it's Polyhex! SEGRUN: It's a databank! BLUEBOMBER: We have taken Polyhex because it is in the area of the Reformatting Testing Range. SEGRUN: Reformatting Testing Range? I've never heard such nonsense in my... SFX: FZAP! THINPIPE: So, dear listeners...were they in Polyhex, or on Teletran One's databanks? Please send your answers to anybody but us. Good night. ============================================================================= Channel looked at Ironworks disbelievingly. "Um," Ironworks suggested. "Right," Channel nodded, crushing the wax cylinder. ============================================================================= Author's Notes: Okay, for those totally confused by this, there's an old radio comedy show from the 1950s called the Goon Show, starring Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan and Peter Sellers. The first episode I ever heard on NPR was "Napoleon's Piano," in which Neddie Seagoon is trapped into stealing that musical instrument from the Louvre for five pounds. I eventually not only memorized it, but could do all the wacky voices. This story is an adaptation of Napoleon's Piano with Transformers taking the main roles. I cut out a lot of stuff for reasons of space, and some gags I dropped because I couldn't really make them work with Transformers. Of course, I didn't get rid of all the non-translatable gags, so there. The most inexplicable gag I left in was the stranger in paradise bit. There's an old song with a line that goes, "Take my hand, I'm a stranger in paradise." Oh, and I do NOT intend to use script format as a matter of course. But since I was adapting a radio program, it seemed to fit best. Dave Van Domelen, "Are all your family this clever?" "Only the crustaceans!"