[Before the ceremony begins, black text appears on the screen as a
voiceover reads it out loud.]
"The opinions expressed in the following programme are those of the
participants. While Low Budget Productions and Jamie Rosen endorse
the participants' right to speak their minds, they refuse to be held
accountable for the actions of fictional characters. Just in case."
Low Budget Productions Proudly Presents...
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
o RACC2k o
o The 2000 Edition o
o of the RACCies o
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
[The screen then fades to black, before opening on a large stage
where a four-armed, green-skinned, goatee-sporting monstrosity clad
in a lemon yellow and powder blue tuxedo three sizes too small stands
before a microphone.]
"Hello, everyone, and welcome to RACC2K, the 2000 edition of the
RACCies! I'm Pointless Awards Man II, and due to the unfortunate,
mysterious, and not-at-all suspicious disappearance of the original
Pointless Awards Man, I'll be your host for an evening of stars,
spandex, and self-congratulation! And let me tell you, it will be quite
the evening indeed! I see a lot of familiar faces passed out by the
bar... err, I mean in the audience. How those paper cut-outs got there,
I'll never know."
[Silence.]
"*ahem* Touchy bunch. Alright then, without further ado, here to
present the first RACCies of the new millenium is quite a couple:
he's a hero whose series lasted only one issue, and so is she. Please
welcom Girl/Boy!"
[Girl/Boy walks out to the podium wearing a stunning tuxedress.]
"Hello, everyone. The Modern Watch would have been here, but they're
running a little late."
[Polite laughter.]
"Many people have an inexplicable fear of arachnids, but not our
awards comittee. The first RACCie tonight is the "SPIDER SPINS" LITTLE
LULU WEB PAGE AWARD. Don't ask me, I just work here.
"And the nominees are... www.eyrie.org" [shot of thousands of men,
women, and impressionable young sea monkeys engrossed in innumerable
archived texts] "... and Dave Van Domelen's ASH webpage." [shot of
Triton pulling webpage up on HUD.] "And the winner is... www.eyrie.org!"
[A great bird of prey flies down from the rafters and snatches the
RACCie out of Girl/Boy's hands. It pauses at the microphone to screech
thankfully, then disappears back whence it came.]
"What a nice bird. Our next award is the IMAGE TESTIMONIAL TIMEPIECE
[BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED]. This is for the author whose works are most
consistently late. The nominees are Lalo Martins" [footage not
available] "... and Matt Rossi." [footage not available] "And the
winner is... where's the envelope?" [Girl/Boy waits for someone to come
on stage with the envelope.
And waits.
And waits.]
"The winner is Matt Rossi! Matt? Matt?"
[A voice from the crowd shouts "I think he's in the bathroom!"]
"Well, I'm sure he'll appreciate the award once he gets it.
"Our next award is the RABBIT BREEDER'S CUP for the
most prolific author in this or any fanfic forum -- although really
it's in this forum, so nyah. Now, we have a special award for the
winner this year, a warren of rabbits. If you'll just wheel them out..."
[Girl/Boy looks off stage as someone talks. The microphone can't quite
pick up their voice, however, and they wind up sounding like the teacher
>>From Peanuts.]
"What? Who?"
[More trumpet-talk.]
"He wouldn't! Cheesecake Eater Lad!!"
[Girl/Boy stews for a moment, then calms down.]
"Well... Onwards and upwards I suppose. The nominees for the Cup are:
Jess Willey" [The Team, Patient Zero, and Absurd Lass cheer] "...and
Marc Singer." [The Scions and innumerable others try to out-cheer The
Team, Patient Zero, and Absurd Lass.] "And the winner is... Jess
Willey!"
[On their way up the steps, the Team gets into a shouting match with
the Scions, and security is soon called in to calm it down.]
"College kids. Well, that's it for me, folks, you've been great. Who
knows, maybe some day you'll see me in a comic again."
[Pointless Awards Man II comes back on stage as Girl/Boy leaves.]
"Hah hah. Thanks for a great laugh, Girl/Boy. Too bad the Modern
Watch was running late."
[From offstage, a voice shouts "I used that joke."]
"Hah hah. Our next presenters are the star-crossed lovers of the
Looniverse. He'll eat anything he can get his hands on, and she can't
get his hands on her -- can I *say* that? Please welcome Cheesecake
Eater Lad and Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass!"
[Cheesecake Eater Lad still has bits of white fur around his mouth as
he walks out to the podium. Invisible-Intangible-Inaudilbe Lass is,
well, invisible.]
"Thanks, Pointless Awards Man II. You know, it's tough being a new
title."
*That's right, Cheesecake Eater Lad.* She is obviously reading from
a teleprompter. *You have to win over new readers and introduce yourself
as naturally as possible.*
"I said, 'You know, it's tough being a new title.'"
*Let's see the nominees for FAVORITE NEW TITLE.*
*Acra Flight, for LNH2* [People move about in the future tense.]
*... Minority Miss, for LNH* [Heroes wake up on the wrong side of the
wall] *... and The Zoo, for LNH.* [An awards committee frantically scans
the archives.]
"Ah, forget it. The winner is... Minority Miss."
[Minority Miss accepts the award as the sound guy plays a medley of
"Brown-Eyed Girl", "Chicita Bonita", "Turning Japanese", and anything
else he can think of.]
*Even tougher than being a new series is being a new writer. As a new
writer, you can't even rely on your reputation to entice people to
read your series.*
[Cheesecake Eater Lad waits for his cue. Still reading the
teleprompter, Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass laughs.]
*That's for sure, Cheesecake Eater Lad. Let's see the nominees for
FAVORITE NEW WRITER.*
[As the image comes up on the screen, Cheesecake Eater Lad realizes
it's his turn to talk.]
"Lalo Martins... And the winner is... Lalo Martins!"
["New Kids on the Block" by the New Kids on the Block as Lalo mounts
the stage, glares at the sound guy, and accepts the award.]
"And finally, the award for MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR."
*Pretty self-explanatory.*
"The nominees are... Er, the nominee is Josh Hartung."
*And the winner is Josh Hartung!*
[The sound guy plays "You've Come A Long Way, Baby" and receives
glares from Josh Hartung as he accepts the award.]
"That's the last time I work with her."
*Cheesecake Eater Lad, don't be mad. I love you!*
[As Invisible-Intangible-Inaudible Lass follows an upset Cheesecake
Eater Lad -- and you'd be upset too if you'd just eaten a whole warren
of rabbits, or at least your stomach would be -- Pointless Awards Man
II returns to the stage.]
"Ah, young love. And speaking of young love, let's hear it for our
next pair of presenters, direct from the hibernating Manifest Universe,
please welcome Monsterboy! and Fatman!"
[The enormous, grotesque bulk of Fatman is slowly wheeled out on
stage, whereupon Gary Coleman comes out and gives Pointless Awards Man
II a funny look.]
"Whatchoo talkin' bout, Pointless Awards Man II?"
"I thought you could only become monsters, Monsterboy!"
"You haven't heard the same stories about Gary Coleman as I have."
[Gary Coleman morphs back to the adolescent Monsterboy! and Pointless
Awards Man II leaves the stage. Fatman is the first to speak.]
"The nominees for FAVORITE RUNNING GAG are: Mr. Paprika" [entire
audience bellows "It's a man's pop!"] "... Conflicto" [a solitary voice
shouts out "I am not a running gag, I am a free man!"] "... and the
LNH Poking Out Their Tongues." [a strange slurping noise, the source of
which the cameras thankfully fail to catch.] "And the winner is...
Mr. Paprika!"
[Monsterboy! goes to take a drink, but Fatman steals the can with a
quickness that belies both his bulk and his backstory.]
"It's a *man*'s pop."
"Up next is the award for BEST FLAMEWAR. Interestingly, an argument
could be made that these two nominees were merely facets of the same
flamewar. But the voters didn't see it that way. The nominees are: 'Are
you sure we can trust Badger to run the RACCies?' and 'I wasn't flaming,
I was detecting irony.' And the winner is... 'I wasn't flaming, I was
detecting irony.'"
[Monsterboy! tries to steal the can of Mr. Paprika back, but Fatman
cuts him off at the pass.]
"This next award is for the FAVORITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC."
"Nominated for this award are Rob Rogers, Marc Singer, and Jamas
Enright. And the winner is... Rob Rogers!"
[Rob stands up to accept the award, but Monsterboy! just tosses it
to him from the stage.]
"In a hurry, Monsterboy!?"
"I've got a date."
"I think I had one of those once."
"Really?"
"Yeah. With some nuts, in a muffin."
"Right. Our final award of the evening -- relax, folks, I mean us,
not the ceremony -- is for the FAVORITE STORY UNIVERSE. This is arguably
the broadest-reaching award."
"And I'm arguably the broadest-reaching character."
"The nominees are the LNH, Omega, and ASH."
"As usual."
"Well, this is only ASH's second straight nomination. Geez, shouldn't
you be called Bitter Boy or something?"
"That's probably already taken."
"And the winner is... the LNH!"
[The entire population of the Looniverse rushes the stage at once to
accept the award, burying the presenters beneath a mass of humanity and
inhumanity. As the curtain closes on them, Pointless Awards Man II steps
out to the front of the stage.]
"Alright, folks, how about a big hand for our presenters?" [He glances
over his shoulder.] "And maybe a moment of silence too...
"Earlier today, we handed out two imprint-specific awards, the LNH's
ACCies and Omega's Dark Paranoiaccies. Here's a quick rundown of the
nominees and winners."
[A screen descends from the ceiling and displays the following text:
DARK PARANOIACCIES
OM6 FAVORITE VILLAIN
Nominees: Tyrant
Winner: Tyrant
OM5 FAVORITE HERO
Nominees: Stogie & the Rubber; Melanie "Curse" Staunt; Neil
"Overboy" Benson
Winner: Neil Benson
OM4 FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE
Nominees: NP Comics Presents the Beat Patrol #3
Winner: NP Comics Present the Beat Patrol #3
OM3 FAVORITE ARC
Nominees: Young Americans
Winner: Young Americans
OM2 FAVORITE ONGOING SERIES
Nominees: Legacy; Scions; Espionage, Inc.
Winner: (tie) Legacy; Scions
OM1 FAVORITE WRITER
Nominees: Marc Singer; Matt Rossi
Winner: (tie) Marc Singer; Matt Rossi
ACCIES
JOHNNY SAKO "COME BACK GIANT ROBOT, COME BACK" LOVING CUP for the
LNHer that is most sorely missed
Nominees: Paul Hardy; Jessica Imhera-Smiler; Everyone
Winner: Everone
LNH 11 NEWBIE AWARD
Nominees: Lalo Martins
Winner: Lalo Martins
LNH 10 FAVORITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON ALT.COMICS.LNH
Nominees: Eagle
Winner: Eagle
LNH 9 FAVORITE NEW CHARACTER
Nominees: Minority Miss
Winner: Minority Miss
LNH 8 FAVORITE SUPPORTING CHARACTER
Nominees: Gaffer; Cynical Lass
Winner: Cynical Lass
LNH 7 FAVORITE VILLAIN
Nominees: Sheep Shagger; Tsar Chasm; Acton Lord
Winner: Tsar Chasm
LNH 6 FAVORITE LNHer
Nominees: Easily Discovered Man Lite; Cheesecake Eater Lad;
Cynical Lass
Winner: Easily Discovered Man Lite
LNH 5 FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE
Nominees: Saviors of the Net #17; Easily-Discovered Man #41;
Easily-Discovered Man #42
Winner: Easily-Discovered Man #41
LNH 4 FAVORITE ARC
Nominees: Mutton Mania
Winner: Mutton Mania
LNH 3 FAVORITE MINI-SERIES
Nominees: Mutton Mania; Acra Flight
Winner: Mutton Mania
LNH 2 FAVORITE ONGOING SERIES
Nominees: Easily-Discovered Man; Teens In Trenchcoats; Misfits
Winner: Easily-Discoverd Man
LNH 1 FAVORITE WRITER
Nominees: Rob Rogers; Ben Rawluk; Jennifer Whitson
Winner: Rob Rogers]
"Our next two presenters know just how our last two presenters feel.
Please welcome, from the Legion of Net.Heroes, Cannon Fodder, and from
the Legion of Costumed Individuals, the Expendable Man!"
[Both men come out on stage, eyes darting warily about the room.]
"Thanks, Pointless Awards Man II. I'm sure the Expendable Man agrees
with me when I say I appreciate the guarantee that our lives will not
come to an end during this awards ceremony."
"I sure do."
"The first award we're presenting is easy, because last year all of
the review publications died -- hey, is that some kind of shot?"
"Shot?!"
[The Expendable Man dives behind the podium, then sheepishly stands
back up when no shot is heard.]
"The award for FAVORITE REVIEW TITLE goes to nobody. Next, the award
for FAVORITE ACRAPHOBE/ADULT OFFERING. This is a tricky genre in which
to work, because if you go too far, you could kill audience interest.
Hey, that's not very nice!"
"Knife?!"
[The Expendable Man dives behind the podium, then sheepishly stands
back up when no knife is produced.]
"The nominees are: The Alt.Riders of the LNH, the Misfists of the
LNH, and Warstar for ASH. And the winner is... er, are.. the Misfits!"
[Brittany and Paytan accept the award to many cheers and hollers.]
"They say dying is easy, comedy is hard... *grumble*... and these
titles show that there are good comedies amongst the bombs."
"Bombs?!"
[The Expendable Man dives behind the podium, then sheepishly stands
back up when no explosion occurs.]
"*Sigh* The nominees are: Mutton Mania from the LNH; Easily-Discovered
Man from the LNH; and... this must be a mistake. They don't write
comedies... well, if you say so... the third nominee is NP Comics
Presents the Beat Patrol. And the winner is... Easily-Discovered Man!"
[Gorilla Grad jumps up on stage, looks around for his compatriots,
shrugs, and saunters off -- well, as much of a saunter as a gorilla
can manage -- with the award.]
"Finally, we have FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE. Thankfully, the writers have
run out of jokes for us, so let's just cut to the chase."
"Cut?!"
[The Expendable Man dives behind the podium, then sheepishly stands
back up when no blades of death arrive.]
"The nominees are: Saviors of the Net #17, Easily-Discovered Man #41,
and Easily-Discovered Man #42. And... we have a tie! The co-winners are
Saviors of the Net #17 and Easily-Discovered Man #41! Funny that they
didn't tie in the ACCies..."
[The Expendable Man and Cannon Fodder warily get off stage and return
to their table.]
"Thanks, guys. Now, we were going to bring in a really awe-inspiring
celebrity to present the final four RACCies, but due to budget
constraints, I'll be doing it instead.
"First up is FAVORITE ARC -- defined as a multi-issue storyline that
is not a mini-series, although the wording is a little obfuscatory. The
nominees for this award are: Mutton Mania, from the LNH; Saviors of the
Net, from the LNH; and Young Americans, from Omega! And the winner
is... Saviors of the Net!"
[Self-Righteous Preacher mounts the stage against the backdrop of a
giant flaming upside-down cross.]
"I am no longer possessed by Vice. But *you* are. Vice that eats
away at your very souls, causing you to--"
[Self-Righteous Preacher's microphone is cut off and he is escorted
off stage as Pointless Awards Man II returns to his duties.]
"These are the biggies, folks. The nominees for FAVORITE MINI-SERIES
are: Acra Flight, of the LNH; and Warstar, of ASH! And the winner is...
Warstar!"
[Warstar gets in, takes the award, and gets out, all business.]
"In the home stretch now. The penultimate award of the year is the
one for FAVORITE ONGOING SERIES -- as billed, not implemented, folks.
And the nominees are Easily-Discovered Man of the LNH, Teens in
Trenchcoats of the LNH, and Misfits of the LNH."
[A voice from the crowd shouts "The fix is in!"]
"Hardly. The winner is... Easily-Discovered Man!"
[The cameras pan the audience for Easily-Discovered Man, who is
nowhere to be seen.]
"Well, that's a switch. And now, the moment you've all been waiting
for..."
[The same voice from the crowd shouts "The end of the show!"]
"Not quite. The RACCie for FAVORITE WRITER. The nominees for this
most prestigious award are: Rob Rogers, Marc Singer, Dave Van Domelen,
and Matt Rossi. And the winner, entitled to the use of the term
Grand Poobah of RACC for one week and one week only, is... Rob Rogers!"
[Audience bursts into spontaneous applause as Rob climbs the stage,
accepts the award, and thanks everyone profusely -- unaware that his
microphone is off.]
"Hah hah. Thanks a lot, Rob -- and thanks to everyone else who made
this ceremony, and the whole of rec.arts.comics.creative, possible. And
really, aren't we all winners? Except for poor Pointless Awards Man,
whatever sub-sub-basement he may have been locked in by a jealous
understudy. Thanks, and good night!"
[As the crowd trickles out of the audience, the big screens recap
the winners of the awards:
DARK PARANOIACCIES
OM 6 FAVORITE VILLAIN: Tyrant
OM 5 FAVORITE HERO: Neil "Overboy" Benson
OM 4 FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE: NP Comics Presents the Beat Patrol
#3
OM 3 FAVORITE ARC: Young Americans
OM 2 FAVORITE ONGOING SERIES: Legacy, Scions (tie)
OM 1 FAVORITE WRITER: Marc Singer, Matt Rossi (tie)
ACCies
THE JOHNNY SAKO "COME BACK GIANT ROBOT, COME BACK" LOVING
CUP: Everyone
THE NEWBIE AWARD: Lalo Martins
LNH 10 FAVORITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON ACLNH: Eagle
LNH 9 FAVORITE NEW CHARACTER: Minority Miss
LNH 8 FAVORITE SUPPORTING CHARACTER: Cynical Lass
LNH 7 FAVORITE VILLAIN: Tsar Chasm
LNH 6 FAVORITE LNHer: Easily-Discovered Man Lite
LNH 5 FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE: Easily-Discovered Man #41
LNH 4 FAVORITE ARC: Mutton Mania
LNH 3 FAVORITE MINI-SERIES: Mutton Mania
LNH 2 FAVORITE ONGOING SERIES: Easily-Discovered Man
LNH 1 FAVORITE WRITER: Rob Rogers
RACCies
THE "SPIDER SPINS!" LITLLE LULU WEBPAGE AWARD: www.eyrie.org
THE IMAGE TESTIMONIAL TIMEPIECE (BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED): Matt
Rossi
THE RABBIT-BREEDERS CUP: Jess Willey
RACC 15 FAVORITE NEW TITLE: Minority Miss
RACC 14 FAVORITE NEW WRITER: Lalo Martins
RACC 13 MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR: Josh Hartung
RACC 12 FAVORITE RUNNING GAG: Mr. Paprika
RACC 11 BEST FLAMEWAR: "I Wasn't Flaming, I Was Detecting
Irony."
RACC 10 FAVORITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC: Rob Rogers
RACC 9 FAVORITE STORY UNIVERSE: LNH
RACC 8 FAVORITE REVIEW TITLE: No Award
RACC 7 FAVORITE ACRAPHOBE/ADULT OFFERING: Misfits
RACC 6 FAVORITE PARODY/COMEDY: Easily-Discovered Man
RACC 5 FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE: Easily-Discovered Man #41,
Saviors of the Net #17 (tie)
RACC 4 FAVORITE ARC: Saviors of the Net
RACC 3 FAVORITE MINI-SERIES: Warstar
RACC 2 FAVORITE ONGOING SERIES: Easily-Discovered Man
RACC 1 FAVORITE WRITER: Rob Rogers]
[As Cannon Fodder and the Expendable Man get up from their table
to join the long line for the exits, the ground begins to shake.]
"What?"
"Oh no."
[The floor beneath their feet explodes abruptly, showering debris
everywhere, and leaving no visible trace of either man.]
[Fade to black.]